


you smile like you're never coming back (you’re not fear of the water)

by casismyhome



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Canonical Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neil Perry needs new parents, Poetry, Todd Anderson Needs A Hug, Todd Anderson needs therapy, Todd Anderson-centric, Todd loves Neil, i need therapy too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26256949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casismyhome/pseuds/casismyhome
Summary: 5 times todd thought he was in love with neil and 1 time he was sure.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 10
Kudos: 59





	you smile like you're never coming back (you’re not fear of the water)

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [5 + 1 {anderperry fanfic}](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/678049) by lagrimas-estelares (casismyhome). 



> [english is not my first language. i'm sorry.
> 
> please read the tags!]

> 1

The first time happened when Todd saw his eyes.

They were brown as the color of pine cones, hot as a piece of wood crackling in the fireplace, colorful as the soils that announce life. Warm as the darkness of a summer night, appended on his pale face, adorned by his lashes.

Todd didn't know that poetry was something that could exist anywhere, but he was oblivious to the vision of paradise.

After all, he only thought he was in love for the first time in so long.

"Don't mind them," the voice dropped over Neil's lips, smiling at him. "You'll soon get used to all this mess."

“Yeah, I think so” Todd smiled a real smile, for the first time in so long.

> 2

The second time happened in the cave.

Where all the goblins lived outside and gods were raised inside, where Todd kept his voice shy in a warm and silent lucidity, where Todd kept himself alive by  _ each verse _ whispered by Neil, where cigarettes scratched their throats and smoke suppressed them...

… where Todd found himself being watched by Neil through the treacherous fog and drunkenness.

Suddenly, Todd slipped into the real world for a moment; a taciturn place where there was no light, where the dorms were humid, where Neil woke up before him. 

A place where his father didn't really stand as one and his mother pretended not to see. A place where Todd couldn't love Neil.

"Todd," Neil brushed his fingers timidly over his knee, "tonight we live here. We are living here and now" Todd realized that Neil was poetry, realized that he really wanted to live there.

He thought he was in love with the most bright person in the world.

> 3

The third time was quick and slightly confusing.

Like the fiery star in the sky, Todd's chest burned in despair. While the words were thrown up by his trembling lips, his throat was threatening to close. In complete anguish he expected to suffocate, when actually he was hyperventilating.

Neil was gaping and looking at him with shiny eyes, the wonder in his secret smile.

Dear God, he was an angel.

"Never forget that," Mr. Keating confided, making him sit.

> 4

The fourth time seemed to be mutual.

Boredom seemed deadly, stopping at the chest of everyone present in that classroom. In fact, it seemed that Todd would not get out of algebra class alive.

Only when the end of the afternoon came and the stars hung in the sky announced another cold night, Todd realized how welcome algebra classes would be. It seemed to alternate between one universe and another where, despite Infernals, they did not compare to the real world.

It was his own birthday and Todd didn't care, woken up by the fact only when his father's gift arrived in his hands. The same ticket. The same neglect.

He fell on his knees and the tears hid behind his eyelids. He wouldn't want anyone to see him that way, so he crawled to the shadows, hoping to make himself impossible to see.

“Todd?”

That voice. That lovely and sweet voice.

"Neil," he blinked, sending any remnants of tears away.

He asked if everything was okay, and Todd said that it was his birthday. They made the kit fly and when the leaves spread across the sky like free birds, their laughter grew so loud that everyone could hear it, but they didn't even do it.

Except for Todd and Neil who looked at each other until they became embarrassed enough to make them blush; but they didn't look away.

Maybe Todd was in love.

> 5

Todd was feverish and wondering if he really liked Neil - for the fifth time.

That time of year was treacherous, the cold sneaking under his blanket, the nights at the cave making him sick. It was Sunday and next week, everyone would see Neil shine. The world would have its first and last tasting of what the boy was capable of, but nobody knew that.

Not even the world itself.

So Todd sank into the sheets looking for refuge from the cold while Neil trained his lines and snapped the script against his head.

“Neil, be careful” he cleared his throat, barely seeing Neil's slender figure approaching his bed.

“Don't say anything, Todd. Just sleep.” the gods, sleep, fever, everything must have given him the impression that Neil's warm lips were resting over his forehead, but when Todd opened his eyes and saw his friend standing up again, the doubt slid behind his head and he let be carried away by Perry's lines and his spectacular voice.

Todd wasn't really paying attention. Psychedelic moths surrounded Neil's lashes and flew over his messy hair, sleep hit him and his last thoughts were:  _ I'm falling in love with Neil Perry _ .

> \+ 1

Mr. Keating sat next to Todd and the chairs were comfortable and his hands were shaking so much! That was Neil's night, that was the night of his show, where his stupendous smile would dim the spotlight and melt all the snow outside.

It was the night Todd Anderson would declare himself to Neil Perry and without expectation he would recite his newest creation.

When Neil appeared, his presence filled the theatre. He made Todd feel warmth, with the freedom of truth, with his character's mysterious eyes winking at Todd's brilliantly childish.

Mr. Keating smiled at the two boys.

In the end, Neil's sweaty hair adorably clung to his forehead and his huge smile in thanking the audience stole Todd's heart completely. He wanted to tell Neil at that moment, scream for everyone to hear, all his shyness drowning in the warm feeling that settled in his stomach. 

His eyes were _ full of tears _ .

And were still full when Neil watched him from the window of his father's car.

And the tears ran down his slightly flushed face when Todd opened the bedroom windows to recite.

Neil silently sneaked around the room and opened the window too, with his crown of branches and his chest trembling. Somehow, he knew that the clouds he looked at in the sky were the same clouds that Todd was seeing.

“I am  _ so sorry _ , Todd…”

Somehow, the night announced faraway the end of a life, and Todd collapsed on the bed after closing the windows, frightened, sad, alone.

He loved Neil, and he was sure of.


End file.
